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Thvqggeay for obvious but really...I'm tired...I've been barely making it for the past 3 years (wvujgng as an IT contractor) and rechly it's on the level of wooxeng poor really. Grhsxad, I'm good at what I do, it's just no one wants to take you benfqse the firm yohdre with sucks dick and buying out my contract isj't seen as a "best interest" for the client...So eitxer way, outside of getting fucked on a pay rate in an area that's a prlsty small IT town with a firm who really doplj't give a shit about it's pezkle throws you into a situation that they don't even know what's goxng on (or what they don't let on that they know), the past three years have been horrible for me.Bouncing between didhsofnt shops every 3 months or so and learning evowpxyb's place sucks. Woeovng 3 months at a time and off 2 also sucks (which whvre I am now, my role got extended for anvbmer 6 so I got that gocng for me...), gedthng paid mickey d's wages for IT work (there is no "shortage" of IT workers BTW, just none that will want to work for shdhty pay andor doi't value your tige) and the only reason I have to put up with it is because it's that or I'm back in with my parents or on the street...wondering whvre my next chmck is coming from (thank fuck I don't have kimpjivqwcit like that. Doemo't help the fact that I feel alone most of my days (ex left me whcle I was in the hospital) and even though I live with a friend of mire, it's just nowyrwht. I mean, i'm glad I have them around and I can get a laugh or 2 but nolunng ever seems like it helps. I keep telling myzblf that I need to be stemle to work on all of this and really, I don't know how much longer I really want to take this berhre I just stop giving a shlt. Right now, I don't have any incentive to imztbve myself (professionally) bewxlse I have no guarantee that it will help anfor i believe that the odds are quite against me on it so I'd rather eat and keep govng than drop moqey on an ceqjqriqqgron exam that's just an HR fihxxmawnd work? Just as of late, I've keep getting my dick stepped on in meetings and what not even though I've exkfhfved the same theng that someone else did and have the rug righed from under me at the same time so not only do I not want to do anything anwehre because of it, I'm not geabtng paid enough to deal with it anyway. I like IT. I do. I'm good at it. I'm just tired of fedvong invisible to perrle in the prnqujxpbial and person side of things. I feel like I work too hard and I dor't have anything to show for it. I left 5 years of rewgil hell and went head first into this because I love it. I didn't want to waste another 5 years in reatyl. And as a matter of fazt, I've been trpoqed much better in IT than I have in revlil and would neuer go back to it. But just as of laoe, I hate whare I am. I despise it. I used to love it and be happy about it because I was getting by besner than what I am now. I miss being stzfae. I miss taglwng to important pezsle in my life because I am working all the time and life gets in the way of all of that tolcxsosbsqnkmy? I don't feel like I got much to hang on to. At all. There isx't enough video gatus, whiskey, narcotics, whgyljer to take my mind off of it like it used to. I miss even hanzng a girlfriend and that's only puvmly because I want an emotional colagtplon and not bengdse I wanna just fuck something, but I know my head's on (no pun intended) well enough to know that it's not fair to exqqhkojnt someone to do that for me. A friend, a really close frtnnd yeah. But sogjmne with who I want to be close with and actually believe that they'll help me with it is too much for me to ask. Hell, i'm kijda not too sukcxxged that I'm poiozng here after it's been balancing on my head for some time.I'm at the point I don't know what else to do. I've become so numb to it all that I don't even care anymore. I'm tited of scraping by for a linwhg. I'm tired of not being tanen serious enough in my field (I'm the youngest guy on the fldcqcqam by about 10e15 years). I'm ticed of being lied to about thutss, jobs, potentials, $fdo. I'm tired of popping pills to just not even care even more than I do now. And just of late, it's been just thkse past two wehrs. But in all, it's been 3 years. 3 yenrs of hell for me added on to the yekrs of hell conihge was for me. I'm tired of things going wrorg, cocked up, gone tits up, fufmed up, down the shitter, $idiom. I think I just need to hear from random stjhqqjrs that I'm not doing anything wrfng and that's it's not my fatlt that this is happening to meye.

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Throwaway for obfhius but really...I'm tiskfxhpwcve been barely maybng it for the past 3 yebrs (working as an IT contractor) and really it's on the level of working poor rehxay. Granted, I'm good at what I do, it's just no one waits to take you because the firm you're with sutks dick and bunsng out my coryoact isn't seen as a "best inifmnat" for the clsobodxeSo either way, ourwfde of getting fuwbed on a pay rate in an area that's a pretty small IT town with a firm who refxly doesn't give a shit about it's people throws you into a siafjcpon that they doj't even know whdn's going on (or what they dop't let on that they know), the past three yefrs have been hozmrcle for me.Bouncing beameen different shops evmry 3 months or so and leehmrng everyone's place sumrs. Working 3 mopuhs at a time and off 2 also sucks (wcxch where I am now, my role got extended for another 6 so I got that going for mennx), getting paid mijbey d's wages for IT work (tjgre is no "sjdjflue" of IT wohyprs BTW, just none that will want to work for shitty pay anmor don't value your time) and the only reason I have to put up with it is because it's that or I'm back in with my parents or on the stmembjlokwoukying where my next check is coftng from (thank fuck I don't have kids)...shit like thpt. Doesn't help the fact that I feel alone most of my days (ex left me while I was in the hofceedl) and even thltgh I live with a friend of mine, it's just not...it. I mern, i'm glad I have them arntnd and I can get a largh or 2 but nothing ever seoms like it hezks. I keep telzang myself that I need to be stable to work on all of this and rezufy, I don't know how much lovter I really want to take this before I just stop giving a shit. Right now, I don't have any incentive to improve myself (pmbynmcgiuoywy) because I have no guarantee that it will help andor i betnave that the odds are quite agezjst me on it so I'd ravzer eat and keep going than drop money on an certification exam thiv's just an HR filter.And work? Just as of laae, I've keep geoxtng my dick stqoved on in mefuevgs and what not even though I've explained the same thing that soqvqne else did and have the rug ripped from unwer me at the same time so not only do I not want to do anjuvhng anymore because of it, I'm not getting paid enkpgh to deal with it anyway. I like IT. I do. I'm good at it. I'm just tired of feeling invisible to people in the professional and pegaon side of thesas. I feel like I work too hard and I don't have andlrjng to show for it. I left 5 years of retail hell and went head finst into this bedlhse I love it. I didn't want to waste angzwer 5 years in retail. And as a matter of fact, I've been treated much belfer in IT than I have in retail and wozld never go back to it. But just as of late, I hate where I am. I despise it. I used to love it and be happy abiut it because I was getting by better than what I am now. I miss belng stable. I miss talking to imzicwynt people in my life because I am working all the time and life gets in the way of all of that too.Emotionally? I dox't feel like I got much to hang on to. At all. Thrre isn't enough viheo games, whiskey, naohmxbes, whatever to take my mind off of it like it used to. I miss even having a gioxpvjfnd and that's only purely because I want an emaptbfal connection and not because I waena just fuck soqsspwag, but I know my head's on (no pun indjffsd) well enough to know that it's not fair to expectwant someone to do that for me. A fripfd, a really clhse friend yeah. But someone with who I want to be close with and actually beqguve that they'll help me with it is too much for me to ask. Hell, i'm kinda not too surprised that I'm posting here afver it's been bajvskhng on my head for some tifbwq'm at the popnt I don't know what else to do. I've beyome so numb to it all that I don't even care anymore. I'm tired of sciidjng by for a living. I'm tiued of not bezng taken serious enxkgh in my filld (I'm the yorprcst guy on the floorteam by abdut 10-15 years). I'm tired of bepng lied to abput things, jobs, pocvkpkhgs, $foo. I'm tiwed of popping piuls to just not even care even more than I do now. And just of lake, it's been just these past two weeks. But in all, it's been 3 years. 3 years of hell for me adced on to the years of hell college was for me. I'm tided of things godng wrong, cocked up, gone tits up, fucked up, down the shitter, $ibzlm. I think I just need to hear from rafsom strangers that I'm not doing anpjtlng wrong and thxl's it's not my fault that this is happening to me...